Why Some People Find the World More Exhausting: A Look at Polyvagal Theory

Have you ever wondered why the same social situation that feels energising to one person leaves another completely depleted? Or why certain environments, like a busy open-plan office or a difficult conversation, seem to cost some people so much more than others?

Part of the answer may lie less in personality or willpower and more in something more fundamental: the state of the nervous system.

What is polyvagal theory?

Developed by neuroscientist Stephen Porges, polyvagal theory offers a framework for understanding how the autonomic nervous system responds to perceived safety and threat. It's worth saying upfront that while the theory has become widely influential in trauma and therapeutic practice, it remains genuinely contested within neuroscience, with ongoing academic debate about some of its specific physiological claims. What it does offer, even with those caveats, is a genuinely useful language for understanding experiences that many people find hard to name.

At its core, the theory suggests the nervous system is constantly and largely unconsciously scanning the environment for cues of safety or danger. Porges calls this process neuroception. It happens beneath conscious awareness, before thought, and it shapes how available we are for connection and rest.

Three states, not two

Most of us were taught a simple model: the nervous system is either calm or in fight-or-flight. Polyvagal theory proposes a more layered picture, describing three broad states.

The first is a state of safety and social engagement. When the nervous system registers that the environment is safe, we become genuinely available for connection and curiosity. We can think clearly and be present with others.

The second is the familiar fight-or-flight response, mobilisation in the face of perceived threat. Heart rate rises and attention narrows as the body prepares to act. This is useful when real danger is present. It becomes exhausting when it's on almost permanently.

The third state is one of shutdown or collapse, an older, more primitive response to threat that kicks in when fight-or-flight has failed or feels impossible. This can feel like numbness or the particular flatness of not quite being able to reach yourself.

Why this matters for everyday exhaustion

Here is where the framework starts to become genuinely illuminating. For people whose nervous systems have learned, often for very good historical reasons, to detect threat where there is none, the cost of simply getting through a day can be significant.

If your nervous system is running a near-constant background scan and finding risk in ordinary social interactions or environmental noise, you are doing a great deal of invisible work, work that doesn't show up anywhere and that can be hard to explain even to yourself.

This is particularly relevant for people with trauma histories and for many neurodivergent people, whose sensory and social experience is often more intense. The nervous system learned something true at the time. It can be slow to update.

What this isn't saying

It's important to be clear about what polyvagal theory is not. It's not a diagnosis, and it's not a simple explanation for everything. The online wellness space has a tendency to reach for it as a catch-all framework, and that can flatten its usefulness.

What it does offer is a compassionate way of understanding why certain things cost what they cost: a nervous system doing its job, sometimes a job shaped by experiences that left a lasting imprint, rather than a character failing or a sign of weakness.

What can help

The good news is that nervous system states are not fixed. Experiences of genuine safety, in relationships and in therapy, can slowly shift what the nervous system has learned to expect. This is slow work, and it isn't linear. But the capacity for change is there.

Therapy can be one place where that process begins, through the repeated experience of being in a relationship that feels genuinely safe, rather than through insight alone.

If any of this resonates, I'd be glad to talk. I offer individual therapy in Bromley and online, with experience in trauma, neurodiversity, and identity work.

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